Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment: Why You Struggle in Relationships and How to Build Better Ones

Have you ever found yourself constantly overthinking whether someone likes you as much as you like them? Or maybe you’ve felt like relationships suffocate you, and the moment someone gets too close, you instinctively pull away. If so, you might be dealing with an anxious or avoidant attachment style—two relationship patterns that can make dating feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

Understanding your attachment style is like holding up a mirror to your past relationships. It explains why you chase, why you retreat, why you struggle to communicate, and why love sometimes feels more painful than peaceful. But the good news? Your attachment style isn’t set in stone. You can absolutely learn how to navigate relationships in a healthier way.

What Is Attachment Theory, and Why Does It Matter?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our earliest experiences with caregivers shape how we connect with others in adulthood. If you had parents who were consistently there for you—attuned to your needs without being overbearing—you likely developed a secure attachment (lucky you!). But if your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overly intrusive, you may have developed an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

So, what does that look like in relationships? Let’s break it down.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment

People with an anxious attachment style crave closeness but constantly fear that love is fleeting. They seek validation, overanalyze small interactions, and often feel like they care more than their partner does.

Signs You Might Have an Anxious Attachment Style:

•You obsess over texts and responses—if someone takes too long to reply, your mind spirals into worst-case scenarios.

•You need frequent reassurance—you often ask, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?”

•You over-give in relationships—you put in 110% even when it’s not reciprocated, hoping your effort will make them stay.

•You fear conflict might make them leave—instead of expressing your needs, you suppress them to avoid upsetting your partner.

•You feel anxious when your partner needs space—you take it personally and assume they’re losing interest.

Real-Life Example of Anxious Attachment:

Imagine Sarah, who’s dating Jake. Jake is naturally independent and sometimes takes a few hours to reply to texts. Sarah, on the other hand, feels panicked when she doesn’t hear from him. She re-reads their past messages, wondering if she said something wrong. When Jake finally responds, she feels a wave of relief… until the next time he takes a little too long.

Avoidant Attachment: The Fear of Intimacy

People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and struggle with emotional closeness. Deep down, they crave connection, but they associate relationships with feeling trapped or drained—so they unconsciously push people away.

Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment Style:

•You feel smothered when someone gets too close—the moment a relationship becomes “serious,” you look for an exit.

•You prefer to be self-sufficient—you don’t like relying on others emotionally.

•You shut down during conflict—instead of working through an issue, you withdraw or need “space” (but never actually address the problem).

•You attract people with anxious attachment—they chase, you run, and the cycle repeats.

•You struggle to express emotions—you downplay feelings or use humor to deflect when things get too deep.

Real-Life Example of Avoidant Attachment:

Mark enjoys spending time with his girlfriend, Lisa, but when she starts talking about moving in together, he feels uneasy. Suddenly, small things start to annoy him—how she texts “good morning” every day, how she wants to know about his childhood. He convinces himself he’s losing interest, so he starts pulling away. Lisa, sensing the distance, tries harder to connect. This makes Mark withdraw even more, eventually ending the relationship.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Build Healthier Relationships

Whether you lean anxious or avoidant, the goal isn’t to “fix” yourself overnight—it’s to become aware of your patterns and make small, intentional changes.

If You’re Anxiously Attached:

✅ Practice self-soothing—before seeking reassurance from a partner, ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend feeling this way?”

✅ Pause before reacting—if your mind is racing with worst-case scenarios, take a step back and assess the situation logically.

✅ Communicate your needs clearly—instead of acting out (“Why don’t you love me?”), try stating how you feel (“I feel disconnected and would love to spend more time together.”).

If You’re Avoidantly Attached:

✅ Lean into discomfort—when you feel the urge to pull away, sit with the feeling and ask yourself, “Am I truly losing interest, or am I afraid of vulnerability?”

✅ Express small moments of affection—practice showing love in ways that feel manageable (a thoughtful text, a compliment, or initiating quality time).

✅ Work on opening up—start with baby steps, like sharing a personal thought or feeling, and notice how it strengthens your connection rather than weakens it.

Reflection: Which Attachment Style Feels Familiar to You?

Think about your past relationships. Do you recognize patterns of chasing and overthinking (anxious) or pushing people away and avoiding deep conversations (avoidant)?

Take a moment to reflect on these questions:

•Do I feel anxious when someone takes time to respond to me?

•Do I feel relieved when I have emotional distance from my partner?

•Do I often find myself in relationships where one person is always pulling and the other is always retreating?

•How do I handle conflict—do I avoid it, or do I become overwhelmed by it?

•Do I believe I’m worthy of a secure, healthy love?

Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence. The more you recognize your patterns, the easier it becomes to create the kind of love you actually want.

So, what do you think? Do you lean more anxious or avoidant? Drop your thoughts below—I’d love to hear how this resonates with you.